Standing up for what you feel is right, does not have to end in division. When we enter into a moment of conflict and get to a space of resolve, it makes us better and brings us closer. This is not a pure mind based communicative skill, it is being able to communicate from a body that is actively de-escalating an emotional response and coming into homeostasis.

Often we think of communication in general as a more pure mind skill, being able to order information in a way that makes sense - but there is much more to it. I am finding that different forms of communication require different things.

I entered a room and there was a gentleman who recently arrived essentially trash talking everyone under his breath and muttering generally negative things to a silent, visibly uncomfortable person. It was clear that he was just bothered and it was spilling over the edges and this is how his pain was leaking out.

Regardless, it was triggering for me and given the circumstance that this just isn’t the space, time or scenario for him to be doing that - I asked him to stop.

There was push back, there was an escalation in his tone, a directness of his frustration which was now aimed at me.

I entered a space of fight or flight, and my pattern is to err towards fight. Put simply this means that I tend to move towards a place of escalation with faith in my capacity to “win”. Physically this feels like an increased heart rate, a hot face, fingers that want to clench to a fist, a tight jaw and a furrowed brow. We know this.

This is not the space to act from or speak from, my habit pattern is to escalate - it’s primal, it’s deep, it’s known, it may feel like the only option. But it’s not. It is far from the only option.

I allowed for space, I felt my body, I found my breath, I sat alongside my experience, I saw his pain and entered into it. When it came time to speak, I spoke from compassion, fierce compassion, I spoke slow, honestly and softly, I made eye contact. My body was still in its response - but I wasn’t overtaken by it, I wasn’t trying to get rid of the discomfort through taking it out on him.

This took a few beats, it rose a few times, we entered into this space several times throughout the 2 hours that we were to sit together working on something. But it was okay. Uncomfortable, absolutely, but ultimately it ended in shared laughs, easy conversation and resolve.

We work with it through staying with our experience, not running, not lashing out and not giving our discomfort to others. The more that we can be in our body while being in relation no matter the scenario and learning to speak from what is underneath the discomfort, the vulnerable, raw, real place - the more fulfilling and whole our lives will be.

This is not easy, but it doesn’t have to be; it feels good and right to address and tend to what needs addressing and tending to in a way that is clear, honest and affirming of life.