7:52 PM, my chest is thumping, a constriction is forming around my throat, in the foreground my eyes are focused on a particular knot on a hanging wooden block, in the background is a dimly lit meditation hall with about 15 people in it with 40 more filling in.

At 7:53pm I am to begin a “run” on the Han, an instrument that is used to signal that you have 7 minutes before meditation begins. I am to strike the bell 7x, then 5x, then 3 times, in a very particular cadence with a goal to end precisely at 7:59pm. I then enter the Zendo, bow to my cushion, bow to the Sangha, take my seat, fold my robe, bow to the meditation bell and strike the Densho bell at 8pm.

The room is silent.
A pin dropping would be loud.

Heart in throat,
I strike the bell.

I am sitting there, feeling it all, not analyzing, in deep practice, at one with sensation, honing in on my breath and striking the han, striking the bell, striking the drum, all in due time.

This isn’t perfection, my training was 40 minutes, for a double sided page with size 12 font paragraphs stretched edge to edge. Lots of mistakes are actively being made, feedback is given and incorporated to the best of my ability and so all will be ironed out - in due time.

All that is left is for me to prepare and trust.

We meet these moments when pitching to a VC, when giving a live demo at a company all hands, or a high stakes feature goes into production, or when we have to speak up mid meeting because something isn’t adding up. It’s in these moments that we get to meet these sensations and share from them, it’s honest, it’s transparent and so deeply human. We don’t need to share the specifics of what is happening, instead it’s an internal honesty, to feel what is going on as it’s going on and to be with it.

When we try to cover these moments over, when we try to be perfect, it’s felt, dampens the impact and comes across often as disingenuous. So much of how we communicate is beyond what is said - we can and do feel sincerity whether we are attuned to it or not.

Insincerity is immensely costly to an organization, so much of what has saddened and quite frankly, burned me out during my time in the corporate world is how little feeling there is. I don’t believe it’s intentional, but I do believe it’s learnt and unconsciously propagated. I also believe that the inverse is learnt and propagated. Which do we want to spread?

Wholehearted, sincere action is felt and conveys more than words ever could. We need more of this in our lives, I want more of this in my life - I am finding my time here to be deeply nourishing.

I hope to bring this back with me.

If you made it to here, thank you for reading, I am wishing you a sincere, wholehearted week.